October 4, 2007

This afternoon, i felt like as if my butt got spiked with rose thorns. I was reading the D&T textbook when i found a note which i had written, on 2005. It brought back bad memories though. The note wrote, "I hate myself". How do i know that it's written on 2005? The note had the date written, but the day and month were kinda smudged, leaving only the year itself.

So yeah, i have been asking myself what exactly did i do that year to have written that note. Pardon me, but i have lack of long-term memory. I do remember that i was a chairman that year. Yes, it's pretty stressful. People bullying me, going against me and such. The thing is, why do i hate myself during that year?

So many events had happened. Somehow, i felt like a total jinx during that year. Everything about the class is going terribly wrong. The behaviour, the cleanliness all gave my class a bad reputation. You know, it's not easy being a leader. A leader needs to be firm, strong and must be committed to his/her job. I guess that i did not fulfill my job as one during that year to have hate myself.

Yeah, i do remember chanting everyone's names and giving remarks to each of them. I can feel that i really hated myself that time. I helped people for what, for nothing. No end product at all. No gratitude. Maybe, people are already like this. Your kindness is invisible, but your heart is golden. My mum often told me this, "If people do not thank you for what you have done, do not blindly continue the work for them. I would rather call them as pests."

After i have retained, during January, i received comments like, "Do your best!". This is where all the memories get erased, probably getting a new start.

What i have learn today..
Well, i learn that friendships cannot last forever. But you can make it last as long you can. Stop creating cold shoulders with friends. It's just not worth it. Small matters, leave it aside. Relationship problems, don't let it obstruct you. Jealousy is for one to control him/herself. It's true that jealousy overcomes the person easily, but it's still your determination to go against the odds.

I felt so relieved after letting it all out..
This maybe the thorn that is stuck in my heart for ages.
Thanks Blog, because you rule.

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